The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
-By George Carlin
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line.
When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.
This life’s hard, but it’s harder if you’re stupid.
Creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
I love mankind... it's people I can't stand.
Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.
In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
Whenever I feel the need to exercise, I lie down until it goes away.
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Never put off till tomorrow what may be done day after tomorrow just as well.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
Today I will be as useful as a 'g' in lasagna.